Wednesday, April 30, 2014

My Big Fat Wedding Problem

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGG!!!!

I have a wedding to go to.

It's at 5 p.m. Saturday so it's a little dressier than normal?

I hate myself in a dress.

I hate dressing up.

40+ pounds overweight, big shoulders, big boobs

a pea head and very little hair.

That sounds attractive huh?

I don't hate myself.....I really do love myself....

In fact I may be too confident......my husband loves me a lot....

and still finds me attractive, I have a lot of friends and I really enjoy my life.

So most days I don't worry about diet and exercise.....I think about it....

but I don't worry about it.

But I know what I want to look like weight wise and clothes wise...

and this ain't it.

Most days I've learned the tricks to camouflage in my capris and tops

but a wedding?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGG!!!!

So here we go...


This little thing that is about half the size of my body goes first.

I put it on.

That sounds so simple doesn't it?

Ha!

I'm sweating and grunting and gyrating and it's just over my head

squeezing me  like a python under my arm pits,  pinning my arms straight up in the air.

It's stuck.....it won't go over my boobs and I can't bring my arms down...

great.....now what?

I hop, squirm, run around in a circle and almost hyperventilate.

WHY haven't I  tried losing weight?


I finally manage to hyper extend my elbow and just barely get my thumb under the 

python squeezing my arm pits and

tug.....hop.....breathe.......and

tug.....hop.....breathe....and POP!

it slides over one boob.....

we're making progress now!

One arm is free...the other is still stuck up in the air.

I can now pull it over my other boob and the python is at my waist.

I'm freeeee!

Well....sort of.

I thought seriously of sitting down and eating some cookies to reward myself 
(no Lisa....bad Lisa)

plus the python was restricting my stomach.

So I pull the top part up and the bottom part down and the python is finally on.

I try on the first dress.....it's blue.

A big blue whale....yep...big up top and a little smaller down bottom....

all I need is a spout at the top of my head..............this is a no.

Oh this one is cute with a little stretchy jacket.....

that....will.....not........get...........past..........my.......upper........arms.

What about this floral dress..........

that looks like....a.....king.....size.....bed......sheet.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGG!!!

I hate weddings!!

Why can't you wear yoga pants to every event?

Why did I eat a 1/2 gallon of ice cream in two days?


Is it possible to lose 40 pounds in 3 days?

Well.....as Scarlett O'hara once said....

"I'll think about that tomorrow."

Now......all.....I ......have....to......do.....is...

take off the python......

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGG!!!!

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13 comments:

Dolly Sarrio said...

Lisa you are so funny! Get your nice black dress wear great jewelry and heels there you go..Now dang it I need a soft drink and a candy bar. I too have this problem every woman alive has this problem...trying to decide what to wear and then hoping it fits if you haven't put it on in awhile...Have fun at the wedding..

Sarah Adams said...

That is too funny and I feel your pain! I know that there are all kinds of miracle diets out there, but I hate 20 different steps and ingredients. If I need to lose a few pounds quickly I guzzle water (helps you lose retained fluid) and I cut out eating after 6 pm. Exercise is my key especially as I get older. Oh, and on the day of the event I eat something light before I go (helps your tummy not to bloat and also helps you eat less when you get there.) Spanx also works miracles ;) I am sure you will be beautiful no matter what dress you choose!

Linda W. said...

Ha ha, your write up is so funny! Don't worry about what to wear - everyone will be looking at the bride.

Old Time Cindy said...

LOL! I also hate finding something to wear for a wedding. I bought one dress at a thrift shop that was adorable and I thought I looked good in when I tried it on. Later when viewing photos of the reception, there I was. That dress looked awful on me. Thankfully more eyes are on the bride than on us.

Liz said...

You are the craziest chick around! I remember having this experience in a dressing room and having to have the sales lady come in and get the dress off! lol.. Hope you find the right dress! But go and have fun!!!
Liz

Kathy Felsted Usher said...

I don't think I even own a dress, maybe an old skirt hangs in the closet.It's pants for me, dressy or casual. I do like the Yoga pants option.

Holly said...

What timing!!! I haven't been to a nice wedding in years and this Saturday my husband's boss is getting married and it's going to be formal. I went through all the same things you are going through. Bought a sorta form fitting dress and some spanx to hold in my tummy and hips. Figured I didn't look too bad unless I sat down and the spanx rolled down over my belly. Decided to give up and bought a different dress, long maxi dress in navy with a wide belt. Not form fitting, no spanx needed. I'll be comfortable and you know what? No one cares what the guests look like, it's all about the bride so go buy something comfy and have fun!

Nancy Winn said...

So funny, I wear and love dresses, but I know your pain, I dont wear pants cause they are always too tight arounf my waist... Try my best friend. a skirt with elastic band.. By


Debby Ray said...

Lisa, although you crack me up with your wit, you are way too hard on yourself! You are beautiful and will look adorable in anything you decide! I have found though, that wearing those tight undergarments are not only terribly uncomfortable and hot, but they can actually make us look thicker in certain places...kind of like pushing our "stuff" all into one place. I say ditch the sausage casing and be comfortable!

Willow said...

Oh my funny, funny girl you ALWAYS make me smile ~ you are actually the cutest girl in town ~ and don't you ever forget it ! !

Tete said...

LOL- oh, you are hilarious! Been there and done that, but I have found out the secret to a happy,fat life. Find a really nice pant suit. Wear freakin' pants, woman. You might try a big hat...to balance the bottom with the top end...or big hair.
Isn't it amazing how things can shrink hanging in the closet? Happens to me all the time.
I like dresses like tops with leggings, too. They make your legs look thinner if you wear black ones and then you can put whatever on top.
Don't wear heels or your feet will swell and they will be fat, then, too! Flats all the way...paint your toe nails...and wear pretty underwear! You will feel pretty and no one will ever know...and toss the python. Too dangerous...way too dangerous.
I do not have one of those...scary. The episode of Emergency when I was a kid when the fat chick called the fire department when she couldn't breathe has always stuck in my mine...the guys go running up the stairs to the apt building and she opens the door in her robe, breathless. They are toting their med case and oxygen... and she opens her robe and whispers- get it off!
SO they proceed to cut off the girdle and she can finally breathe again.
Moral of the story- if you have to use a shoe horn to get into something, its probably going to lead to a 911 call and not a good idea!
Have a great time at the wedding!

Carla from The River said...

LOL~and again LOL
You are so much fun.
Have fun at the wedding. Let us see a photo of you, I am sure you will be beautiful.

Jann Olson said...

Oh my Lisa, you had me in stitches as I am visualizing this entire situation! I have never tried to put on one of those things. I sure could lose a little weight, but not gonna put my body through that pain. lol! No matter your size you're too cute to worry! Thanks for sharing with SYC.
hugs,
Jann