Monday, March 23, 2015

Crooked Blessings?

She walked in the door and closed it a little harder than usual.
It was a tough day.
She grumbled......."look at this mess.
Does anyone else ever clean up around here?!"
She stomped to the kitchen and is thinking
"why do I always have to decide what to cook for supper?"
"I'm tired, we get up when it's dark....
we come home when it's dark...."
She walks into the living room and her eyes squint...
"just look at this.....why can't they fix the sign when they bump
it and make it crooked?"
And she walks toward the sign......
and her steps slow down....
and her eyes fix on the words.....
and as her hand reaches for the sign...
 she is immediately sorry for her attitude...
And she knows.......she knows.......
that her blessings aren't crooked at all.....
the sign may be.....but her blessings aren't.
You just have to "straighten" out your attitude
in order to see them.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Lisa's Medical Emergency

I decided to start a new series about the "only could happen to me" moments that I have.
It seems, as I talk to others, that "these moments" don't happen to most people.
I'm just lucky like that?...(sarcasm)
I can't decide what to call this series.
Here's what I've got.
                                                          1. " Only  me" moments 
                                                          2.  Lisa-isms
3. Was my face red when....
                                                          4. Why Lisa Why?
What do you like?
Here is a fine example of this series.
One morning, years ago, my throat felt scratchy.
I hurried to the bathroom mirror and opened my mouth wide to peer at my tonsils.
A little backstory on my tonsils is that when I was a child
I had a history of strep throat, tonsillitis etc. and my mother
admits now that I should have had them (tonsils) removed.
Years of those episodes have left my tonsils enlarged and with holes or craters in them.
I did look into having them removed as an adult even though I really don't have
many problems anymore.
But,  apparently the surgery that's not that  bad for children is terrible on an adult.
That's all I needed to hear.
When I peered into the mirror at my tonsils I was shocked to see a big, white ulcer on my tonsil!!
I swallowed and yes it felt weird.
I did wait a few days (because I'm tough, broke, dumb) before
I made an appointment with my doctor.
I arrive at the doctor's office and as I nervously sat on the crinkly white paper
that covers the bed/chair/gurney? I am going over the story
that I will tell the doctor about my tonsil history.
And I'm wondering how painful it will be to treat the ulcer?
The doctor walks in and we exchange hellos and he asks what's the trouble
and I go into my explanation. (highly technical and precise)
I feel like he is impressed with how I seem to know what the problem is.
He says "let me take a look here...."
He looks, then takes his light and he looks some more....
he says "hmmmm" and then he
takes a probe? and he touched my tonsils with it
(while, I am ashamed to say, I am gagging like a two year old that's just been
given broccoli for the first time.)
Tears are streaming down my face from gagging so much
(when's the last time someone has touched your tonsils?)
and then he scraped my tonsils!!
I have (unintentionally) balled my fist up and am about to swing
when he finally sat back in his chair with a funny look on his face.
I ask "what is it it an ulcer?"
Then he looked at me, I could tell he was trying to control his facial expression,
"Oh my, (I thought) is it worse, like throat cancer, is he trying to figure out how to break it to me?"
He said " to be............
a piece of bread."!!!!
I die!!!!!!
I am so embarrassed!!!
Apparently my love of bread combined with holes in my tonsils has put me in this embarrassing situation.
What do you even say to that???
The doctor is trying to sound professional but I could tell he was laughing to himself...
I know he wanted to say "yes, there was bread "sandwiched" in the hole in your tonsils.  You
can "roll" off the gurney now.  I hope you have a "rye" sense of humor."
He didn't.....but in my head....he did.
So I gather my belongings and I get out of there as fast as I can.
And then I get home and it took me quite some time and maybe some wine to finally admit
to Shannon that I didn't have an ulcer......
it was bread stuck in my tonsil.
To this day......he thinks this is hilarious.....
and loves to say things like
"Do you want a sandwich....or is it against doctor's orders?"
So there you have it....
one of my moments....
have you ever had bread stuck on your tonsils????
I didn't think so........
The  End
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Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Famous For Fowl

You could have knocked me over with a feather....
a chicken feather...of course...
when a writer for the Alabama Cooperative Farming News
contacted me and wanted to write a story on me!
It felt weird when the magazine came out and there I was...
my big, giant face looking back at me from shiny page #12.
I was holding Rod Stewart on the very first day I got him. (smile)
Mrs. Carolyn Drinkard did a wonderful job of making me sound ummm...
interesting instead of down right crazy...:)
The funny part was that my friends may or may not have been horrified
that I included their photo in their chicken outfits in the photos that she
requested of me to send to her.
(I made them autograph their photo for me..heehee)
I was equally shocked and amazed that I had a 5 page spread!!!
Mrs. Drinkard said that was a "first" for the magazine to do on anyone!
I credit her amazing writing skills..:)
It was super nice of Mrs. Drinkard to do this for me.
I was very flattered.
But it did feel strange see me and my life "out there".
 I know that by blogging we are already "out there" but it really just seems like it's a
very small, close community...the blogging world.
Or maybe it's because I think I have only 12 friends... which is my usual number of comments..:)
I didn't mention to hardly anyone that I was going to be in this magazine
because I really thought not many people I knew would even get this magazine
but I was wrong!!
My phone started ringing and I had friends and family all asking
"did you know you were in a magazine?"
My face book blew up for a while and it was really fun to hear all the comments.
But it still felt.........weird....exciting....but weird.
I can't imagine how REAL BIG DEAL people in BIG news feel.
So a big thanks to Mrs. Carolyn Drinkard and Alabama Cooperative Farming News
 for making this little chick get to preen and strut for a few days...:)
I was thrilled with the article but I'm not sure my "guys" are real happy that all
of ALABAMA now knows that their mom is the crazy chicken lady..heehee.


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Little Debbie Got Me In Trouble

What happens when you go on vacation and have a fabulous time????
The next week will be terrible!!!
 Since I've stepped off the boat I've had an abscessed tooth with severe pain throughout my jaw.
So I go to the dentist who sends me to a specialist in Mobile.
I pray I don't get asked about my eating habits.....
Little Debbie would probably be a no-no and we don't even want
to begin to tell about the cruise food.
 He tells me you can have a root canal or it can be pulled.
  He asked Dental Insurance? I say no. I ask how much?
  He says $1500 versus one to two hundred.
  I take a mirror and inspect where this devil tooth is located,
 I almost asked for a Little Debbie to see if the pulled tooth would hinder my consumption ratio but I
didn't think the dentist would appreciate all the chocolaty goodness that would be in my teeth.
 So I said it seems the decision is clear....
pull that sucker!!
 He leaves and the assistant says "your dentist sends his patients to an oral surgeon here in Mobile
 so I will call and get you an appointment"
but the specialist comes in and asks the assistant "how much time do I have?"
  He looks at the schedule and says "I will pull it!" 
 Well I'm thinking "do you not normally pull teeth?
  Is this just something you've always wanted to do in your spare time????
 He deadens the entire left side of my face and then he leaves for 15 minutes....
I'm assuming he's in the back on his computer googling "how to pull a tooth"
 He comes back and he pulls and tugs and wiggles,
 I think at one point he had his foot on the arm of the chair and I'm wondering
 in my half dead face fog, if it's in there that good maybe we shouldn't be pulling it
 but finally it pops out and he inspects it for 10 minutes.....
what is he looking for????
  Did my tonsils come out with it???
 Is it a special devil tooth that needs to go to a museum??? 
 So now I'm home looking at this giant hole in my head.
  I bet all the men out there are wondering "does she have a twin?"
  Snaggle tooth, sweaty navel and hairy toes........sigh........Shannon is a lucky man....