Wednesday, August 24, 2016

A Trip to the Gyno

It's today.....I can not put it off any longer.
A trip to the gynecologist.
Uggg...shoot me now.
It's not just the gyno I hate going to....
it's ANY doctor.
To top it off it's a new doctor at a new place.
My old doctor retired (5 years ago...I know...I'm terrible).
So ladies I have to wake up extra early to "prep" to go to the gyno.
You know what I mean.
I have bathed, shaved, plucked, tarred and feathered..
you know the drill.
Just the other day I found a genius article about the uses of deodorant
for other than on your armpits!
They mentioned between your thighs (for chub rub),
your feet, under your boobs (big boobs + age + drooping + southern heat),
and yes it works!
But I'm wondering now as I lift a boob and slather deodorant,
if I get a mammogram won't it be embarrassing if they say,
" what is this white stuff on our image????  We see abnormalities,
look everyone in the whole hospital.....what is this on her mammogram image??
I quickly find a bath cloth and start rubbing it off.
But sweat starts smelling soooooo.......I put back on just an itty bit.
Sigh.......while I'm at it I may as well put some under the belly and in
the navel. (no one told me about fat problems so I'm telling y'all now)
Now that I'm sweat proof....what next?
You have to examine yourself from head to toe because
unfortunately that's where they look.
I look at my ankle...............great....that's just great.
I accidently stood in an ant bed yesterday and now my ankle looks like a
5 year olds.
Did you know that even your ankle can have fat pockets?
I'm thinking of conversations to have with the Dr. to try to distract her
from the horror she may be witnessing.
Of course I'm going to discuss weight loss solutions and let her know
that I know that I am overweight.
Maybe she has a miracle cure and won't suggest the stupid idea
of eating less and exercise.
Now.......hmmmm....what to wear???
Stretch pants for sure.....she doesn't need to see all the poor
circulation lines that my blue jeans make. (yes it's the blue jean makers fault)
A top with sleeves to cover the fat bulge oozing out of my bras...
yes bras..... it's plural!
When you get past G in the alphabet you have to have reenforcements.
I probably won't wear my fit bit although that would probably make her smile.
I wonder if I own a biscuit colored shirt...just in case I drop some on it?
Well I better go......
don't know who needs prayers most....
me or them...:)
Maybe there will be a part two to this story.......
Have a great day because I probably won'


Kathy Felsted Usher said...

What an ordeal, although the ant issue isn't funny at all.

Tete said...

LOL- you have got to let us know what happened...I am sitting on the edge of my seat, and you have seen my butt, you know that's a dangerous thing.
How many freaking bras do you wear, woman? Geez, sitting here thankful for my D cups...
Well, I know what to do with that stick deodorant now. Thanks for all the pointers. You are a life saver.

Debby Ray said...

HA!!! Me too...I gotta hear part two! And gurrrl, you need to stay out of those ant's bed...those are some serious looking bites on that ankle! So.....what's the verdict? Are you "all good"????

Thistle Cove Farm said...

Visiting from somewhere and LOLOUD...yep, we share some...okay, a lot...of the same issues. But, since when did problems become issues? It makes NO sense to me! Anyway, the deodorant tips were worth the price of admission alone.
I feel your pain with the ant bites. Once, at a mall, I was talked into having a coffin water massage. No, that's not what they called it but that's what it looked like even though it was fabulous. Anyhoo, just as they're getting ready to close the lid, I mentioned how I'd gone to the barn, wearing boots but no socks and it looked like rats had been chewing on my feet. The woman slid her eyes down to my feet, gasped just a little and covered them with a towel. It was nice of her as the rolling water action might have caused friction and stung. Just a bit.

Mrs. B, a very peculiar person said...

Oh My Word ! Lisa - You always find a way to make me laugh. Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful sense of humor.